Things Your Babysitter Wish You Knew

When I started looking for a sitter for our 3-month-old, I was thankful that I had spent a few years as a nanny and babysitter. I knew what it was like to be on their side of the interview and knew what I could realistically expect as far as their abilities went. Then I realized perhaps not every parent was a babysitter at some point in their lives and therefore may not understand what it’s like to be a sitter and watch someone else’s kids for a living. So I went to social media to ask sitters and nannies for things they wished the parents knew.

Here’s some of the best:

·      They are only one person

o   If you and your spouse can’t find the time to watch the baby, make dinner, and clean the house, you shouldn’t expect the sitter to be able to either. “Babysitting” is not code for “cheap housekeeping.” It’s one thing to ask them to move the laundry from the washer to the dryer, but asking them to clean out the garage is a little much! (Yes, that actually happened to one sitter).  

·      You don’t have to pay them the exact amount down to the penny

o   If your sitter is there for 2 hours and 37 minutes and makes $10 an hour, you do not have to give them $26.16. But rounding up to $27 would be preferable to rounding down! (84 cents won’t break you, but it will flatter your sitter!)

·      Let your sitter know what they can and can’t do once the kids are asleep.

o   I always felt uncomfortable just “making myself at home” so usually sat there awkwardly doing nothing. Tell them they can watch tv (and if there’s a parental code, give it to them so they aren’t stuck watching Bubble Guppies all night) or leave a couple of magazines out on the counter for them.

·      Do tell them what your kids can and can’t eat, but don’t expect them to cook a gourmet meal from scratch

o   A friend once had parents leave her a detailed recipe to make a meal from scratch for the kids. Not every sitter can cook well. It’s much easier to leave leftovers for them to warm up or just have them make a quick sandwich.  

·      Sitters appreciate punctuality just as much as you

o   You expect them to show up at 5:00, and they expect you to come home at 9:00. If you’re going to be late – call. It’s no fun sitting in someone else’s house wondering where the parents are and having them show up an hour late. But on the flip side, if you tell them you’ll be home at 10:00, don’t show up an hour early. They may have been planning on making a certain amount of money that night, and losing out on that hour’s pay can really hurt. (So if you are going to come home early, let them know in advance or at least pay them for that time anyway).

·      Be organized and informative

o   Make sure to provide your sitter with your contact info and any emergency numbers as well. And it’s always nice to give them the wifi password so they can use it while the kids are sleeping. Letting them know what any noises or gesture your baby makes mean or what little quirks your child has can be helpful. And please, tell your sitter when your baby had a rough night, or when your little one is suddenly starting to fuss during diaper changes. It’s never nice to get surprises like a baby that screams all day and you don’t know it’s because he’s over-tired.

·      Set your sitter up for success

o   Your sitter wants to succeed – they want your kids to like them just like you want your kids to like them! So don’t give them an exorbitant amount of rules to follow or too many things to accomplish. Don’t set them up to fail by leaving them a list of 50 rules and a long recipe to a meal made from scratch for the kids’ lunch. Just let them relax and have fun with the kids – if they’re stressing out about your too-detailed list and high expectations, they won’t have as much fun with your children (which is the main reason you hired them, right?)

In the end, you hired your babysitter to watch your kids – and to have fun with them. Having them do a thousand other things is going to take away from their time with your munchkins. Just let them do their job and you both will be happier.

Note Feb 04 2016: This post was originally published online at Family Culture Magazine, but it seems to no longer be active. I previously had only a snippet here on my blog, but because the link to the full article was defunct, you can now read the whole thing right here at Prego to Legos!

Does My Baby Miss Me? Separation Anxiety and Object Permanence

Does my baby miss me?
I was asking myself this question while I was at dinner with my husband for our first date night since our son was born. I told myself that he probably didn't realize I was gone - he was too young. But when I got home he was crying really hard and apparently had been for most of the time we were gone. As soon as I took him in my arms, he quieted, and just whimpered for a while before falling asleep minutes after the sitter left. I began wondering if he had missed me/us, or if it was something else. (Perhaps he was teething? I also mused.) So I decided to see if it was possible for him to realize we were gone and be sad from our absence at such a young age (3 months).

From what I found, it seems that most babies do not get separation anxiety until they are at least 6 months old. At around that age, babies develop what is called object permanence, which means that they can remember people and things that aren't visible or present. (Which is why 6-month-old babies get a kick out of "peek-a-boo" but younger babies do not). Before object permanence develops, when an item isn't visible, it just doesn't exist to them. They can't remember that they were playing with their toy giraffe only minutes before; if they aren't looking at it, they aren't thinking about it. For babies under 6 months of age, they literally practice "out of sight, out of mind."
 

Before object permanence develops, his toy giraffe only exists when it's visible to him.

How do I know when my baby has developed object permanence?
First signs of the development of object permanence can be seen when your baby looks around for an object that he dropped or that you took away.

How long does separation anxiety last?
During the second half of baby's first year (months 6-12) is the first peak of separation anxiety. There is another peak during the second half of the second year (months 18-24), though some babies experience them back-to-back for about an 8-month stretch of separation anxiety.

Not all babies will experience bad separation anxiety, though most babies will have at least one bout of it as part of a healthy development. Some babies and toddlers can experience debilitating separation anxiety and develop Separation Anxiety Disorder. But there are steps you can take to make separations less stressful for you and for your little one - but I won't go into those now.

As sweet as it was to think my boy missed me (even though it was heartbreaking hearing him cry like that), I don't think that's what it was. He's a pretty advanced little boy - rolled over for the first time before he was even 2 months old (though he didn't repeat it until he was 3 months), can hold his own weight on his legs (but can't balance enough to stand unsupported), and can almost sit up unsupported - but I think it's a bit early to assume he's developed any object permanence or is capable of experiencing separation anxiety. Although... I did just put a toy in his line of vision, got him smiling, then whipped it away too fast for his eyes to follow... and he seemed to look around a little for it.

If you look at forums, you will find lots of moms that swear their 3 or 4 month old baby missed them when they left, but there is yet to be any scientific research that indicates that an infant that young can experience separation anxiety. Just because your baby cries when you're gone doesn't necessarily
mean that they miss you (sorry!).  But if they have a toy in their hand, keep an eye out when they drop it. If they look around, wondering where it went, then object permanence has started developing, and it won't be long before they do start to miss you.

Heidi Murkoff: What to Expect the First Year
Dr. Greene: Separation Anxiety A-Z
Baby Center: Separation Anxiety

Choosing a Babysitter: What to look for and questions to ask

What should you look for in a sitter? Well, my husband and I recently began searching for a sitter, though we have no immediate need for one yet. I’m not ready to be away from my 12-week-old boy; I am going to be a stay-at-home mom for a while too. But we will want to have a date night eventually, and I want to have a babysitter selected and available for when we are ready.

When interviewing and hiring a babysitter, you need to start by thinking of what you want in a sitter. Do you want someone that is a parent themselves, or a young college student? Do you want a sitter that will speak only English, or do you want someone that is fluent in another language? Do they need to be CPR and First Aid certified? Does your sitter need to have training in child development or education, or just plenty of experience? Would you like a sitter that will do light housework while the kids nap? Is a clean driving record important?

For us, the most important things in a sitter are experience with young infants, being comfortable with large dogs, and an outgoing nature. Even though our boy is still very young, we want a sitter that will take him out on walks and short outings – he seems to get bored and antsy when he’s inside all day. Behind those three things, we want someone who will continue to do baby sign language with him so it’s consistent, read him lots of books and sing songs. We don’t expect any cleaning or chores to get done – babysitters aren’t magicians, we don’t expect them to be able to accomplish things that two of us can’t do!

Also, think about what an acceptable rate is to you. It really depends on the area you live in – in Southern California where we reside (more specifically, Orange County) – the going rate is about $15 an hour. (The sitters we spoke to charge $17, $15, and $13). A high school or college student will accept a lower rate than someone who has been in the childcare business for many years. Some sitters and nannies may also charge higher rates for additional children, or if you run late coming home, or higher rates for additional services like cooking or cleaning.

There are a lot of good questions to ask sitters when interviewing, but speaking as both an interviewer and past interviewee, some of them are annoying, and some are more insightful than others. Here are (I think) the best questions:

What do you like most about being a babysitter? Obviously, you’re looking for an answer along the lines of  “I love kids,” not “It pays well.”

Do you often touch base with parents? This is important if you want a sitter that will text you updates and photos while you’re gone. (Something I want for at least the first few times away from my boy).

Do you have an example of a time you handled a crisis? Not everyone will have experience with an emergency (I never did have a crisis in my 3 years as a nanny/babysitter) but if they did have an emergency situation, you want to know that they will handle it calmly and take the appropriate steps (call 911, call mom, go to emergency room – whatever the situation dictates) – not a sitter that panics.

How would you describe your personality? Not the most important, but their answer can be very revealing. I like to hear things like, “friendly,” “outgoing,” “honest,” “easygoing,” “energetic,” and so on.

What are some of your hobbies? If you want a sitter that will spend time with your kids outside, you obviously don’t want to hear “reading magazines,” “playing video games,” and “watching tv.”

What do you look for in a family? They’re only just getting to know you, so you hope to hear some things that describe your family!

What are the top 3 characteristics you think are essential in caring for children? You’re going to be looking for things like, “patience,” “caring,” “kindness,” “sympathy,” “compassion,” “creativity,” and the like.

And finally... to search for sitters try Care.com or Sittercity.com (bonus: Sittercity is FREE for military!)

Separation Anxiety: First time away from baby

Many babies, once they reach a few months of age, often experience separation anxiety when separated from a parent (usually Mom). This post, however, is not about baby's separation anxiety, but my own.

I attended a Pregnancy & Beyond Fair a week before Mother's Day and won a free 30 minute-massage, which I had to schedule later. As a Mother's Day gift, my husband scheduled it and extended it to an hour long. I was told to arrive 30 minutes early for a brief chiropractic consultation, and since it was located half an hour from my home, we decided that my husband should come with me to watch the baby. That way, he'd be much closer to me should he get hungry. (He's still nursing about every 2 hours, and the total massage time, plus the consultation and drive would equal 2 1/2 hours).

Baby G slept in the car on the way there, and we hoped he'd sleep a little longer so we just decided that I should go in for my appointment instead of waking him up to feed him. Since he'd only eaten 45 minutes earlier. My husband was planning to push him in the stroller through the shopping center to keep him asleep.

What was strange to me was that I had discussed with my husband the possibility of interviewing babysitters for down the road. Being able to go out for an hour or two for a quick date without baby seemed like a nice idea at the time. Sometimes I feel like just a milk machine and like the baby is just permanently attached to my breast. I can hardly get anything done around the house, and my husband and I can't really cuddle on the couch and watch tv like we used to. So being able to spend an hour or two just the two of us - even if only once a month - at a restaurant or movie theater or even just a frozen yogurt place seemed wonderful.

But then, I was sitting there, in the waiting area, filling out paperwork and started to stress out. The farthest I'd been from my baby since leaving the hospital was about 20 feet. And the only time I wasn't able to really see him or touch him was when I was in the shower. I just kept thinking, "What's going on? What's he doing? How is he? Are he and my husband ok? Is he crying? Is he still asleep?" and so on. I would attempt to calm myself: "He is fine. He's with his daddy. They are okay, daddy knows what he's doing. He ate less than an hour ago, so he shouldn't be hungry yet..." But still... I was experiencing a bit of separation anxiety.

First Mother's Day!

Today was my first Mother's Day! It's not over yet, but it's been pretty great so far! :)

 

Had a pot of flowers delivered from my parents the other day. I don't have much of a green thumb, but hopefully I can keep them alive... at least for a while!

Love these little pjs, by the way. From Heidi Klum's Truly Scrumptious line. They're made of bamboo and super soft!

Welcome! An Introductory Statement

Hello! Thanks for stopping by my new blog Prego to Legos!

When the idea finally struck me to begin this blog, I was already in my third trimester. Wish I would've thought of this earlier so that I could write posts about pregnancy a little more chronologically. But my plans for this blog are to have it be about pregnancy, birth, babies, and parenting - the whole spectrum. I'd love to have my husband contribute some posts about the male perspective, but he's not much one for writing.

Let me begin by saying a little bit about myself and my situation. This will be my first baby - aside from our two fur babies on four legs! I'm relatively young, well older than some, but I feel young! That's what counts, right? I'll officially hit my "mid-twenties" a few months after our baby boy is born. My husband is a Marine, and has been deployed for much of my pregnancy and there's even a chance he won't be home in time for the birth. Gotta love the military - so much uncertainty!